A Dream
I woke up at 3:00am last night. My usual pre-cycle thing. I started thinking about a place in my life that was what I would consider rock bottom.
I was living in an apartment on Hill street here in town. There were three apartments in this one two story house.This was a very small efficiency. There were a fighting couple up front. I was in the back and a small single parent family upstairs. I think they were really counting on me for the daily food borrowing, very sad. I had a full time job in a restaurant and I had no car. The city bus was my transportation. I made enough money to cover my rent and bus tickets and never any left for anything else including food. I could eat at the job, but you still had to pay for it. Plus I was sick of the deli crap. If I needed medical help I would go to med point and dash. I was very alone in the world and going no where with my life. I spent all the holidays alone in this room with only me and a BW t.v. with only one channel. So many bad situations, people,choices I was making that year. One day my landlord wanted to fix the cracked window in my apartment I was at work on a double shift. A 10 hour day easy. So I came home and found my door wide open. My heart jumped into my throat. This was by no means the best area to live in. as I walked up the stairs I noticed blood all over my kitchen floor and a rug that used to be on the floor in the sink filled with bloody water. Why would anyone break into an apartment and put a rug in the sink to soak? All my stuff was tossed everywhere. The cash I had for rent was gone. I felt violated! My ears were ringing. I didn't have a phone so I had to go down to the Boatclub to use theirs. The Boatclub is a not so sleezy bar down the street. I called my landlord and she said she new about the blood thing but not the break in.She was on her way and I that needed to call the police. She shows up and told me that the maintenance man was changing the glass in the window when a sheet of glass came down on his leg and gashed it badly. My door was locked and he had to break in to call for help and got blood all over the rug and floor so he put it in the sink to soak He left because I had no phone. Door with a broken lock and someone came bye and took advantage of the situation. If I was out to rip someone off and came into a place that had a bloody something the in the sink I would get the hell out of there. But like I said it wasn't the best area and people were in need. The landlords husband put up a board to cover the window and said not to worry about the rent that month and they left. The door couldn't be fixed until the next day so I had to somehow sleep in this place with an unlocked door!
Alone, totally alone and scared I went to bed. I was too afraid to leave the apartment to make a phone call in fear that something else would happen. Laying there I thought my life really sucks now. This is how my life was going to be like and fell asleep eventually. That night I had a dream that was pivotal in my life and I believe has brought me where I'm today. It was a very peaceful dream. It seemed like a peek into my future. I was happy and secure. There were people who needed me and loved me. It was a family life. I woke up feeling something I hadn't felt..maybe ever? Joy.
Was this an angel who came to me that night in my dreams? Maybe there were other attempts to approach me in my rock bottom times and I wasn't listening or I didn't see it, and that in my dreams was the only way to get the message across? hmm.
I decided to go to college and do something with my life and achieve that ultimate feeling of joy I had in that dream.
At that time I was suffering from seizures. Something that came on in my early 20's. Because of the seizures I was getting most of my schooling paid for by the state. It was considered a disability. interesting......the seizures are gone now. Was this a gift? A tool given to open up a the doors that has brought me to where I am today? I believe it to be so.
Dream.....or Angle? Either way I am grateful to have a "dream" come true.
I feel free to cry about it now and not fear that rock bottom will rear it's ugly head to me again. But if it does, I have the strength and faith to carry it through.
~"When we think that it's over
Baby we find new things to be afraid of
We can pray till we're older
And believe that there is hope even in the night
There is hope
We grab existence by our defeats
And somehow laugh when we are weak
We're being made strong from underneath
Carry us through carry us through"
~ Sarah Masen
I was living in an apartment on Hill street here in town. There were three apartments in this one two story house.This was a very small efficiency. There were a fighting couple up front. I was in the back and a small single parent family upstairs. I think they were really counting on me for the daily food borrowing, very sad. I had a full time job in a restaurant and I had no car. The city bus was my transportation. I made enough money to cover my rent and bus tickets and never any left for anything else including food. I could eat at the job, but you still had to pay for it. Plus I was sick of the deli crap. If I needed medical help I would go to med point and dash. I was very alone in the world and going no where with my life. I spent all the holidays alone in this room with only me and a BW t.v. with only one channel. So many bad situations, people,choices I was making that year. One day my landlord wanted to fix the cracked window in my apartment I was at work on a double shift. A 10 hour day easy. So I came home and found my door wide open. My heart jumped into my throat. This was by no means the best area to live in. as I walked up the stairs I noticed blood all over my kitchen floor and a rug that used to be on the floor in the sink filled with bloody water. Why would anyone break into an apartment and put a rug in the sink to soak? All my stuff was tossed everywhere. The cash I had for rent was gone. I felt violated! My ears were ringing. I didn't have a phone so I had to go down to the Boatclub to use theirs. The Boatclub is a not so sleezy bar down the street. I called my landlord and she said she new about the blood thing but not the break in.She was on her way and I that needed to call the police. She shows up and told me that the maintenance man was changing the glass in the window when a sheet of glass came down on his leg and gashed it badly. My door was locked and he had to break in to call for help and got blood all over the rug and floor so he put it in the sink to soak He left because I had no phone. Door with a broken lock and someone came bye and took advantage of the situation. If I was out to rip someone off and came into a place that had a bloody something the in the sink I would get the hell out of there. But like I said it wasn't the best area and people were in need. The landlords husband put up a board to cover the window and said not to worry about the rent that month and they left. The door couldn't be fixed until the next day so I had to somehow sleep in this place with an unlocked door!
Alone, totally alone and scared I went to bed. I was too afraid to leave the apartment to make a phone call in fear that something else would happen. Laying there I thought my life really sucks now. This is how my life was going to be like and fell asleep eventually. That night I had a dream that was pivotal in my life and I believe has brought me where I'm today. It was a very peaceful dream. It seemed like a peek into my future. I was happy and secure. There were people who needed me and loved me. It was a family life. I woke up feeling something I hadn't felt..maybe ever? Joy.
Was this an angel who came to me that night in my dreams? Maybe there were other attempts to approach me in my rock bottom times and I wasn't listening or I didn't see it, and that in my dreams was the only way to get the message across? hmm.
I decided to go to college and do something with my life and achieve that ultimate feeling of joy I had in that dream.
At that time I was suffering from seizures. Something that came on in my early 20's. Because of the seizures I was getting most of my schooling paid for by the state. It was considered a disability. interesting......the seizures are gone now. Was this a gift? A tool given to open up a the doors that has brought me to where I am today? I believe it to be so.
Dream.....or Angle? Either way I am grateful to have a "dream" come true.
I feel free to cry about it now and not fear that rock bottom will rear it's ugly head to me again. But if it does, I have the strength and faith to carry it through.
~"When we think that it's over
Baby we find new things to be afraid of
We can pray till we're older
And believe that there is hope even in the night
There is hope
We grab existence by our defeats
And somehow laugh when we are weak
We're being made strong from underneath
Carry us through carry us through"
~ Sarah Masen
posted by Lynne at 1/10/2004 09:41:00 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home