Doubting Lynne

I've had a rough week I'm sure of my own making. I don't feel on the ball these days. people moving, embracing my family to its fullest, letting my guard down a bit, things continue to come back bites me in the ass. The main element that come back to haunt me on a regular basis is my own self doubt. It takes over every aspect of my life. I think it is peaking right now, It is peaking because I haven't delt with it yet, You know the old saying; "Things that are not learned return until they are learned?" So how do you deal with self doubt. I think it is a life long issue. There is no quick cures or remedies. You just take it down one chunk at a time. I must have stopped taking chunks off beacuse I am so in doubt of what the hell I am doing with my girls education. I need to get more focused. Then I think maybe I am doing them a great disservice and should send them back to school. But what would I do with myself if I did that? I would have to get a job. That sucks. So now I am back to square one on the education thing. starting from scratch and hoping for a better turn out. Maybe that's the beauty of homeschooling. It is very flexable. Maybe I am not. I need something to happen consistantly. If something gets thrown into the works I get fucked up. I work very hard to introduc fleaxblity into my life. But it comes back to bite me in the ass. Like I'm going against the grain of my inner core. The changes that need to be made are being forced on me by me. I am my own worst critic. Something inside me says "you know what you have to do, why don't you just do it?" Because I am lazy I tell myself. (critic). Because I know a short cut through all this (lesson not learned yet). I have so many great resources. It is overwhelming. take a deep breath........meditate? Have I not thought about centering myself? To truly listen to inner self?
I think alot of my stress has to do with people leaving. People are moving to new jobs in different states. I feel the strings of my web being ripped. Whats left of my web doesn't feel secure. I think that maybe with Corrine leaving the homeschooling group that I am left with whats left. which isn't too much. Two of the moms have sent their kids to school. That leaves me with Ann and her family......please.........and Laureen and her family, which I think isn't going to work out with my girls as far as friendships are concerned. So socially we are screwed. The group is falling apart.(more web being ripped). So a change is a happening.
And I must deal.


"As any change must begin somewhere, it is the single individual who will experience it and carry it through. The change must indeed begin with an individual; it might be any one of us. Nobody can afford to look round and to wait for somebody else to do what he is loath to do himself."
~Carl G. Jung