feels like nap time
The last few very cold days I've been wanting to climb into bed with our cat Tigger. To get wrapped up in his fur and get cozy warm and sleep until mother nature decides to make a comeback on the warmer weather.
Star wars 1 and 2 this past weekend in preparation for Starwars 3 in two weeks. Then of course we will indulge in 4-6 to finish off the whole series. All I want to say is "Luke, I am your Father". Amy has taken a great liking to the Starwars series but Kelsey has other interests.
Starting the girl's room this first week of vacation with a quick face lift. New bedding and bed arrangements. Touch up on the chipped paint and scrape windows. How fortunate for them. How difficult the decisions of whose stuff goes where and what should and shouldn't be in there. I gave them the control to figure it out themsleves and come up with the answers so we could get started. Twice they tried to drag me into it. "Hello? don't you know I am PMS-ing?". Finally a decision is made, no one is really satisfied, or at least that is what I feel but I move forward anyway. Eventually humming and singing insue while the job takes on a new life of it's own. Today we will finish the job and look forward to tackling the treehouse sofets tomorrow. Thank God cedar wood is on sale this week!
Kelsey lost it last night:
She is so afraid. So afraid.
Let's see if I can list the things we talked about.
* She's afraid to go back to school because, she doesn't know how to move through the halls. She has always been a nervious reck when it came to school. Her father and I both were the same way.
* She isn't able to tell her friends how she really feels about going back to school because they are SO happy she is returning. She doesn't want them to get mad at her for feeling otherwise.
* She afraid for all the children who don't have food to eat and a place to live.
~Why does this all feel like the hardest thing in my life right now? The all comsuming Kelsey?
~Why do I insist that I have to deal with it alone because my husband doesn't know what to say without causing more emotional hassle for me?
~Why can't I fall into a smooth two step dance of how much she has to offer and how wonderful life really can be if you don't focus so much on the bad stuff? ( "like what?" she asks)
~ Is the most tramatic thing in my kid life the inablility to get beyond her fear of life?
~Is this the path she is suppose to take?
I told her how lucky she was to have the life she has. I had to bring in a bit of what kind of life I had at her age. Was that not a good tool to use? She needs to get outside herself focusness. ( is she writting?) the relentless fears she puts on herself daily to the point where she doesn't sleep (so she says). Have we not tried to get her interested in things outside the house to keep her mind on her special interests? Dose she have too much time on her hands to fester on all these negative feelings?
Buck up baby! You will survive or you might be scared for life. But as long as your not out to murder your father and I in our sleep I will feel very relieved that we suceeded in rasing you well in our decsion makings as parents. Second guessing oursleves as parents can be our worst enemy. I thought it was patience. Both.
What kelsey wants from me is something I never had a chance to experience as a child her age. It was survival then. But if I did have that element in my life back then I am sure I would be very much like sweet kelsey and all her spongy ways. I guess this is my chance. My chance to give her the tools to move through just about any door that get presented no matter how scary.
Can I do it?
Star wars 1 and 2 this past weekend in preparation for Starwars 3 in two weeks. Then of course we will indulge in 4-6 to finish off the whole series. All I want to say is "Luke, I am your Father". Amy has taken a great liking to the Starwars series but Kelsey has other interests.
Starting the girl's room this first week of vacation with a quick face lift. New bedding and bed arrangements. Touch up on the chipped paint and scrape windows. How fortunate for them. How difficult the decisions of whose stuff goes where and what should and shouldn't be in there. I gave them the control to figure it out themsleves and come up with the answers so we could get started. Twice they tried to drag me into it. "Hello? don't you know I am PMS-ing?". Finally a decision is made, no one is really satisfied, or at least that is what I feel but I move forward anyway. Eventually humming and singing insue while the job takes on a new life of it's own. Today we will finish the job and look forward to tackling the treehouse sofets tomorrow. Thank God cedar wood is on sale this week!
Kelsey lost it last night:
She is so afraid. So afraid.
Let's see if I can list the things we talked about.
* She's afraid to go back to school because, she doesn't know how to move through the halls. She has always been a nervious reck when it came to school. Her father and I both were the same way.
* She isn't able to tell her friends how she really feels about going back to school because they are SO happy she is returning. She doesn't want them to get mad at her for feeling otherwise.
* She afraid for all the children who don't have food to eat and a place to live.
~Why does this all feel like the hardest thing in my life right now? The all comsuming Kelsey?
~Why do I insist that I have to deal with it alone because my husband doesn't know what to say without causing more emotional hassle for me?
~Why can't I fall into a smooth two step dance of how much she has to offer and how wonderful life really can be if you don't focus so much on the bad stuff? ( "like what?" she asks)
~ Is the most tramatic thing in my kid life the inablility to get beyond her fear of life?
~Is this the path she is suppose to take?
I told her how lucky she was to have the life she has. I had to bring in a bit of what kind of life I had at her age. Was that not a good tool to use? She needs to get outside herself focusness. ( is she writting?) the relentless fears she puts on herself daily to the point where she doesn't sleep (so she says). Have we not tried to get her interested in things outside the house to keep her mind on her special interests? Dose she have too much time on her hands to fester on all these negative feelings?
Buck up baby! You will survive or you might be scared for life. But as long as your not out to murder your father and I in our sleep I will feel very relieved that we suceeded in rasing you well in our decsion makings as parents. Second guessing oursleves as parents can be our worst enemy. I thought it was patience. Both.
What kelsey wants from me is something I never had a chance to experience as a child her age. It was survival then. But if I did have that element in my life back then I am sure I would be very much like sweet kelsey and all her spongy ways. I guess this is my chance. My chance to give her the tools to move through just about any door that get presented no matter how scary.
Can I do it?
posted by Lynne at 5/03/2005 09:51:00 AM
1 Comments:
I feel for this little girl-about-to-grow-up. I wish I could convey what it feels like to be wrapped in anxiety. It is all-consuming if you let it. I wasn't that much older than she when it hit me, and I didn't even have a name for it. This is an ongoing conversation--the best I can say right now is that naming it as anxiety (when you name it for what it is, you have more power over it--also you realize that it's something that afflicts many people and you are not alone), and drawing from her own experiences about how she made it in the past through anxious situations--helping her remember that she's always made it through okay, and that she'll have to trust life ande herself. Neither life nor Kelsey herself has ever let her down. For me, remembering that no matter how scared I was, I always made it through in the past was my lifeline out. I would grab it and hang on and use it to climb out of the pit.
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