We were invited to the Housers' farm for an afternoon of fall festivities.
Tractors, wooden crates full of yellow and red apples. Tarps cover the ground under the next tree to be shook by crazy man Joe and John. Testing many apples before they go on the tractor to be hauled back to the house for processing. My husband was so much like a kid in this enviroment. Apple picking and tasting, large farm equipment and fresh popcorn popped over an open fire. Half of the people I didn't know.. Obviously family. A big family. All of them there to pitch in for this annual event that goes on well after dark. A sharp 38 degrees and we were ready to get home to our PJ's. As we were leaving there was still a slight hint of a sunset. So open. So beautiful was the smokey gray layers of clouds that cover the toe nail of a moon. I felt the need to be on a horse and ride off in to the fields.

October 29th gives me another opportunity to experience my second spiritual gathering of women. This is done in the Native American Tradition. Yes, this means a bon fire, rhythmic instruments, prayers, giving, recieving and grounding foods. I look forward to tending the fire this time. This gives me a little more freedom in movement because as the fire tender you don't have to follow the walking rules. To walk into the sacred circle you must walk in one direction. when you leave the circle you leave in the same direction. When recieving the talking stick you recieve with the right hand and give with the left because it is the hand closest to your heart. There are so many things to remember. I hope to be open, to be more mindful of things outside of myself and look out into the world more for it's needs.

We found a new grammar tutor for the girls. It looks like it will work out just great. What a big relief. I felt a little lost not having this area covered. Now that it is, I feel a motivated need to add things. wish me luck!

A blasting Bon Fire this weekend. First a homemade Japanese meal with good friends. If the weather forcast stays the way it is now, it will be too good to be true of a night. Nothing like a little rain the day before a big burn. It tames things out a bit. Logs to cut this week for seats. Can't wait!

Change of Life
This morning I wake up
Knowing without a doubt
That I must change my life
In every way,
From inside out.
Today I feel the old constrictions
Longing to soften
And melt in running streams
Offering fresh invitations.

I have not loved enough.

What would it be like,
To let my heart
Open fully to this aching world?


And what else is there to do?


~ John Welwood

Give me love
Give me love
Give me peace on earth
Give me light
Give me life
Keep me free from birth
Give me hope
Help me cope, with this heavy load
Trying to, touch and reach you with
heart and soul
Oh My Lord

~George Harrison

So the last days or so has been an adjustment. The ranting and ravings of my last post has been released. Yesterdays news. Of cousre, until I talked with Ron on the IM, it sounds like they are out of here in November. So the web is broken and We will make amends dispite. I gotta go.....






"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." ~ Carl Rogers

Doubting Lynne

I've had a rough week I'm sure of my own making. I don't feel on the ball these days. people moving, embracing my family to its fullest, letting my guard down a bit, things continue to come back bites me in the ass. The main element that come back to haunt me on a regular basis is my own self doubt. It takes over every aspect of my life. I think it is peaking right now, It is peaking because I haven't delt with it yet, You know the old saying; "Things that are not learned return until they are learned?" So how do you deal with self doubt. I think it is a life long issue. There is no quick cures or remedies. You just take it down one chunk at a time. I must have stopped taking chunks off beacuse I am so in doubt of what the hell I am doing with my girls education. I need to get more focused. Then I think maybe I am doing them a great disservice and should send them back to school. But what would I do with myself if I did that? I would have to get a job. That sucks. So now I am back to square one on the education thing. starting from scratch and hoping for a better turn out. Maybe that's the beauty of homeschooling. It is very flexable. Maybe I am not. I need something to happen consistantly. If something gets thrown into the works I get fucked up. I work very hard to introduc fleaxblity into my life. But it comes back to bite me in the ass. Like I'm going against the grain of my inner core. The changes that need to be made are being forced on me by me. I am my own worst critic. Something inside me says "you know what you have to do, why don't you just do it?" Because I am lazy I tell myself. (critic). Because I know a short cut through all this (lesson not learned yet). I have so many great resources. It is overwhelming. take a deep breath........meditate? Have I not thought about centering myself? To truly listen to inner self?
I think alot of my stress has to do with people leaving. People are moving to new jobs in different states. I feel the strings of my web being ripped. Whats left of my web doesn't feel secure. I think that maybe with Corrine leaving the homeschooling group that I am left with whats left. which isn't too much. Two of the moms have sent their kids to school. That leaves me with Ann and her family......please.........and Laureen and her family, which I think isn't going to work out with my girls as far as friendships are concerned. So socially we are screwed. The group is falling apart.(more web being ripped). So a change is a happening.
And I must deal.


"As any change must begin somewhere, it is the single individual who will experience it and carry it through. The change must indeed begin with an individual; it might be any one of us. Nobody can afford to look round and to wait for somebody else to do what he is loath to do himself."
~Carl G. Jung

Feeling sleepy

Winter is coming and my body knows it. I think hybernation is coming early this year. I find it very hard to get up in the morning. Sleepng is all I want to do.

Went for a walk in the woods yesterday at a friends house. The meadows are so beautiful. I feel like I have escaped from the city and dropped into the Minnesota fields. I wished the kids were not with us so we could go on for hours walking.

Hayride this Friday with a lovely 47 degrees expected and rain. I'm sure it will be fine. Getting out my winter coat does not sound appealing.

Looking for another tutor for my girls for grammar. Renee is leaving us to a new job in Grand Rapids. She left us a list of name to use as a replacement and ending her note with this quote....


"The great challenge today is to convert the sacred bread into real bread, the liturgical peace into political peace, worship of the Creator into reverance for the Creation, the Christian praying community into an authentic human fellowship. It is risky to celebrate the Eucharist. We may have to leave it unfinished, having gone first to give back to the poor what belongs to them."
~Raimundo Panikkar, 1997

Smell the smells that bind you.........

While straightening up my room I ran across a cloth napkin I had taken down for 'chick weekend'. I never used it except as a cloth to set plates of snacks on. I brought the napkin up to my nose so I could see if the smell of the cabin still lingered. It did, and I smelled it several more times remembering.

The first time I you open the cabin door you smell this smell. Once the first idea of what that smell could represent (urin) passes, it has a comforting effect! Like Aunt Loas' house when I was a kid. That was the place you wish your parents would just leave you there and forget about you.

I feel replenished.

Today was church with a nice twist to it. A dear friend and her family joined us. This was also the first time I will meet our new intern pastor. The sermon was enough to keep my attention. thank you! Funny I should say that! Today service was about being thankful. What I did'nt expect was she was going to make me think...I love it! Being thankful 'in' the moment instead of being thankful 'for' the moment. I had to stop and swirl that around a bit. I felt good about myself at that monent. I felt she touched something in me that I truly felt I possesed. sonething that I felt good about myself for.

I truly believe that I can feel thankful for what I have in my life. Whether good or bad things are happening, there is alway something to be thankful for, most of them very simple things. I think that if I believe this, nothing too bad will happen. What? Is that like wishing? hoping? of course it is. But I think its a way of praying also. Thanks for getting me think today Harriett. I'll see you mext Sunday.