Indecisions

Sunday: Rushing to church, 15 minutes late. We are going to discuss the books the class had read this week from the Peace basket. The parking lots is full! "Whats going on..?" "Okay, I'm late, that's all." "Oh man....It's the breakfast bridal shower for Ann and her man!" Totally forgot about it! My Sunday school class is in the upstair kitchen where the fellowship room is located. That means I don't have a classroom nor a class because of the shower. Shit! I could have stayed home (my first thought). Second thought out loud was" Get your coats girls were leaving down the back stairs before anyone sees us." There won't be any sunday school class today, and we are not staying for church." In the back of my head I was hoping to get an early start to chair shopping with my husband for my Birthday.

"Hey girls!" "come and have some breakfast, there's plenty" Says Michelle.
Oh, man. we've been spotted. Okay, let's make the best of this, but were are not staying for church service. So we go in and say our nicieties. The girls are looking at me, trying to roll with mom's indecisions and what to do next. The girls are off with the kids and I'm doing my thing with the adults. Not so bad. It went well. My class wants to still have a discussion about the books they read this week and they want to pick out another book! Cool! I couldn't have asked for a greater group to do this Peace Basket with. So off we go to the Young adult class because our classroom had dish washing and foil everywhere! We love the young adult class. It has couches and chairs. Very comfy. Off we went talking about one book at a time. Some books have been read before by other children which makes the disussion go well with my daughter who doesn't regurt very well verbally. She'll get there. Okay. so class is over and we are out of there. "see you next week." But one of the girls in class is doing the children story today. It wouldn't be nice to split now and not stay and support her hard work and effort. So we stayed and my girls look at me again...wondering "what?" "yes, we have to stay. It's the right thing to do."

So much indecision. When oportunity opens a door for me I take it. But Iwant to turn the wrong way. I want to go right when I should go left. I want to say thanks to my girls who rolled with the punches so well with me that day. No hard feelings, no complaining.....maybe they were too afraid to complain in fear that I might loose it. There's always that chance. they know me so well. The whole going against the grain thing (turning left) gets me..... on not so solid ground.

~It is not always what we know or analyzed before we make a decision that makes it a great decision. It is what we do after we make the decision to implement and execute it that makes it a good decision.--William Pollard

It's a Boy!

It's a Boy!
Originally uploaded by merelyhere.

My good friends Tracy and Kent had a baby Boy Wednesday night. Congratulations you guys. Now your on your way to the ride of a life time

The Treehouse

The Treehouse,
originally uploaded by merelyhere.

It's been three long years. Who are the kids really?

Short, but then again, a long week. School was short. Family gathering to give thanks. Teenagers who are all about 'me'. One child stands out because she's not young enough to 'play' and not old enough to be all about 'me', thank you god. No one asked about our life, Which I was grateful for! The answers never seem to be satisfying enough for them anyway. A repeat again tonight at 'my' side of the family. Felt a bit weird when they started picking names for christmas gifts....we were not included, but the girlfriend of six months was! Part of teh family, but not really? Why do we go through the motions? hmmm?

I recieved my Birthday present from my girls today!! Two Mammal CD's. "Evolver" and 'Rock that Babe' so excited. I am listening to them now. My friend Annie and I are going to this concert in January...can't wait. Thanks for the turn on babe!

Good friends came into town for the holidays from Ohio. We were lucky to get a visit from them for a short two hours. I miss them so. My heart aches just thinking about it. Friends move on. I'm here feeling huge holes in my world. I feel like I'm new in town. Life is forcing my hand once again. The homeschooling group look at me waiting for me to break. Maybe wondering why I didn't react they way they thought I should have . They want to be there for me, but I won't let it happen. I can't. I am so incredibley sad I can hardly stand it. I need to get a grip.

She stumbles through the door

She looks over her shoulder with a half specific glare
As if it were the past
An interception of intentions from a once familiar path
A promise broken in half

so..........she let go

On the pages of a memo are picturesque cliches she once called providence
Fragments of Picasso with running lines undone
That wrecked her confidence
Is there any sense why she let go

It was what she thought was right
Through all the gloom and might of living in between
And it was like she said
A chance to learn instead
Of staying in the lines and never knowing why
She stumbles through the door

Were the angels fighting demons in the corner of her room
Or was it happenstance
That she would catch a glimpse of loving safety more than life
A faithless circumstance

So......... she let go

It was what she thought was right
Through all the gloom and might of living in between
And it was like she said
A chance to learn instead
Of staying in the lines and never knowing why

She stumbles through the door
She stumbles through the door
She stumbles through the door
Now her reasoning is theory living out a grand crusade

Of greater magnitude
And the consequence of failure is a possibility
But will it break the truth
Oh..... she won't know
Oh......Until she lets go

And it what she thought was right
through all the gloom and might of living in between
And it was like she said
a chance to learn instead
Of staying in the lines and never knowing why

She stumbles through the door
She stumbles through the door
She stumbles through the door............

~Sarah Masen


looking foward to seeing you tomorrow night Sarah

In ten days I will be turning 44 years old. I remember when I was my kids age, my parents were so old in their 40's . Not to mention a time when things were not good. "Which parent do we live with now?" "Why do we have to go to another school?" "When do we get to see you again? why are you so unhappy?" "Why do you drink?" "why do you want to hurt yourself?" "why isn't there any food?" "I have no buttons on my coat".

Living a life that is the total opposite of the life I had as a child has it's way of sneaking up on you. Putting things in your mind and having 'doubt' raise it's ugly head. I wasn't taught alot of things when I was a child, it was just survival.
church life,
what a happy marriage looks like, feels like.
The hard work and strength that goes into a good marriage.
The ability to communicate your feelings in a healthy way.
How to encourage.
How to deal with your anger.
basic courtesies.

Some things I have mastered on my own. Some are still dangling.

~The greatest results in life are usually attained by simple means and the exercise of ordinary qualities. These may for the most part be summed up in these two--commonsense and perseverance.--Owen Feltham

I have the pleaure of being able to sit at my desk and look over my right shoulder to see this morning beautiful sunrise......by myself. By myself. I want to be by myself within my family. I think my soul is trying to tell me something is amiss. I feel like I am bug skidding across the waters of my life but not really touching it. Something is missing. There is a place inside me that has not been reached yet, but it is coming. I can feel it. It's interesting how life can force your hand to move forward. Sometimes, when your not feeling ready or wanting to. It's like having the flu. You don't want to throw up, so you try to keep it in and suffer even longer. If You just throw up, you'd feel better sooner. Well , I don't want to throw up. But I don't think I have a choice. My want and need for love and security much stronger than my need to keep it all in. I think I feel that I don't know how to have a relationship with my husband. That things are so one sided. my side. Where is the communication? Where the understanding and compassion? Where did I go wrong? And why is it just me who feels this way? I think I'm starting to throw up now. I would like to think what I am feeling is perfectly normal for married people. And that with some time alone, or communicaton or something that never seems like enough should take care of it until the next time you feel this way. This is the typical 'up' and 'downs' of a relationship long standing. Nothing is perfect.

~A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.  ~Mignon McLaughlin,

~Love seems the swiftest but it is the slowest of all growths.  No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.  ~Mark Twain

~Though marriage makes man and wife one flesh, it leaves 'em still two fools.  ~William Congreve

~My wife says I never listen to her.  At least I think that's what she said.  ~Author Unknown

~How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.  ~Oscar Wilde