Holistic Wheel

I believe I am falling out of my winter hibernation {prematuraley of course} due to the nice weather we have been having. I have gotten up at the crack for the past two days. I mean 5:00 a.m! Of course many thoughts cross my mind and there is no way I can get back to sleep. These are the days for naps.

I had a continuing education seminar for Stephen Ministries yesterday. The topics were " Issues Related to Long Term Illness and Aging" right up my alley. I felt an awful lot of time was spent on the subject of suicide though. Steve Summers was the speaker. He is a Therapeteutic Recreational Specialist working on his masters in social work. Great guy. Nice loud laugh! Got to love that.

Next was a" Holistic approach for Stephen Ministers." Pretty cool. This was presented by Carol Mayernick, an ordained UCC Pastor and mental health counselor; an RN and worked for Hospic for 10 years. Carol gave us a Holistic Care wheel we had to color in to what ever percentage applied to our lives today, this minute. Think of it like a clock.
At 1:00>Eat Nutritiously { my rating 60%}
>Enjoy Recreation >50%
>Keep a sense of humor>70%
>regular physical exercise>80% but I don't like it.
>live in gratefulness and wonder>50%
>Journal in writting or pictures>90%
>stress management>50%
>prayers and meditation>30%
>practice being a listening presence>45% new issue for me
>set limits and boundaries>80%
>supported by family,groups,mentors>100%
>participate in education and growth experiences>100%
>manitain an attitude of openness>65%
>Adequate sleep>95%
>read scriptures or inspirational literature>70%
> at noon on the Holistic Clock, we were suppose to fill in what was missing for us. mine was Gadening and music>100%

Carol came by and said how healthy I was, even though I felt I lacked in the prayer and meditation area. But to her there was a very healthy balance and I apreciated her saying something to me about where I was these days. She suggested a book called "Prayers for a Thousand Years". I might look it up.

I have plans for another money raising idea for the kids in Sunday School. It's called "Eating Healthy for Heifer". This will be done during our coffee and "cookie" {but healthy stuff} hour, Cafe' style. In the meantime we will be having speakers come into the class who head wonderful programs like Heifer Project, St. Marguerites house, Habitat for Humanity, Health kits and school kits around the world. Sound like we will end the school year with a small bang!

~"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."
~Anne Frank

The Visit

The visit from my Pastor ended up being what I thought it would be about. Steven's Ministries. He wanted to know how I was doing since my care reciever died, and when I would willing to become active again. One pot of coffee and a bowl of smoked almonds later he was gone. Why do I get myself so worked up? Is it an authoirty issue again? Maybe because we had bumped heads late last summer? I don't do well with confrontation unless I am absolutely , passionately sure I am right {grin}.

There is one thing I need to work on and that is my inability to ask questions when I truly don't understand what people are talking about or asking of me. I misunderstand way too much. Why this is such a weakness, I don't know , but it needs work. I only hear what I want to hear? How sad is that? Get on with
it....Listen.

We are not part of the project fair this time. We have one every three months. Most of the items we have been "making" have been given away as gifts. Maybe we should have taken pictures if these items in order to have something to show for our work? Forget it. We know what we have been doing. We'll just sit back , learn and enjoy everyones else's projects. Amy wants to cover the animals that live in the rain forrest. Great project starter for next time. I hope to include the big issue of deforestation and their effect on the animals she is interested in. This should really bring it home for her. With Kelsey, it will be like pulling teeth. No pun intended...I just recieved a phone call from her ortho, and he is suggesting having two teeth pulled. I might have to make her choose something that has to do with her dislike of teeth pulling. That should be a positive way to deal with her fears.......LOL! A bloody film on teeth pulling andd plenty of picture on all those steel instruments they use! Okay. We'll find something else..but it might work?

~Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person.
Dr. David M. Burns

The Flu Hits Ruby Hollar

Listening to Ruby Hollar and Kelsey gets sick. It goes on for hours. A few hours later Amy goes on for hours. Tom gets home it goes on for hours again. I am so sick but I can't get sick. My family needs me. Today we recover from our aches and pains of laying around all day and moaning. Many loads of laundry and glasses of ice chips. I'm glad it is over with.

The Pastor is making a visit to our home tomorrow to speak with me. I don't like the sound of that. Maybe it's as simple as a Stevens Ministries thing. either way, I don't like it. He might have noticed a change in me the last time we talked. Or maybe why we don't go to church service after sunday school and what a bad example I am setting for my sunday school children. Maybe someone else has complained to him about the kind of job I am doing as a sunday school teacher? I hate this. I don't like to second guess myself. I don't like it when people are displeased with me or my performance. This could be simply a case of never belonging to a church before and not knowing all the in's and out's of church crap. All I know is that I don't like it. There has to be more to church life than this. I sometimes feel it is too late to move on to another church because of the family we have there. Although small and lacking in choices. You feel a sense of obligation with these people, like they are real family. You have to take the bad with the good because you married into it. We can't pick our inlaws! Okay, I'm done. until next time....have a great day!

"I would know my darkness and my light, and so shall I at last be whole." - Michael Tippett from A Child of Our Time

"In the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."
~Kahlil Gibran
 

Childhood

Laying on the floor in my girls room listening to a book on tape has been a tradition we've kept for the last three or so years. The adventures, humor and sadness they have experienced is invaluable.
As the story unfolds, Amy lays in bed with her string of flower lights on reading the book along with the tape. Cute curtains surround her bed for privacy. Up above is her older sister, rummaging around in her bed getting it ready for sleep by arranging her items and putting them in their proper places. Her string lights go out and a minute later a little flashlight goes on. I layed there looking at my girls doing their thing and I wonder what they are think and feeling? What's it like BEING a kid? Being Happy, secure? because I know they are. The pain in my chest is a good pain. Knowing we are raising happy kids who can be kids. No concerns about weather or not your parents will get a divorce. or sucide attempts and alcohol abuse, Loud music all night long, or being threatened at school by a bully because you wear the same dirty clothes to school everyday.
My kids will never experience that kid of childhood. I'm not that selfish. Sometimes I'm not that selfish to a point where I suffer because I don't think of myself. Going in the opposite direction is healthy either. This pattern is common. Those who were neglected, neglect . Or those who were neglected take the opposite road to compensate. Lucky for me, the only "distruction" fragments are toward myself by not thinking of myself enough. But, it can effect your family if it goes on too long. I'm glad I can think about it this way. The hard part is putting it into action!

So hears to me!
Here's to making a difference.
Here's to being happy.
Here's to my sanity.
here's to my wonderful family and friends!
{all this while holding up my coffee cup}



Wilting

she's wilting
inside
like a scarf
draped on the arm
of an easy chair
less easy
than i feel inside

she's blossoming
outside
like a watering can
opening itself to the ground
pouring
its insides out
one drop
at a
time

she's flowering
more or less
reflecting the sun
off petals that seem to curl
whenever i appear
and yet

she's growing on me

~by Tung Le

TaTaTaTouch me!

A dear friend of mine helped me put a site meter on my blogsite a few weeks ago. I have enjoyed it emensly. So everyday I spy on who is spying on me and it's great! Thanks to the two who visit! LOL. So I am wanting more spiers on my site? What's up with that? I want more interaction with others out there. So to try and lure a few my way I have been checking out sites of sites of one person who has other sites on her site! YEOW! So the blogs I have been reading, although wonderful, are from young people. Nothing is wrong with that, just that I would like to read about someone who has lived longer than 20 years. I need an older sisterhood. And brothers! So hit me!

~Out she reaches touching this darkened soil of an aged earth.
Soft hair and tender eyes she walks this path to its very end.
Colours reaching from a gentle wind giving life's beauty a natural worth.
Slowly bowing, rising, turning, from this smile it sent my friend.
~Jim Williamson

When all the people in the world love one another, then the strong will not overpower the weak, the many will not oppress the few, the wealthy will not mock the poor, and the honoured will not disdain the humble, and the cunning will not deceive the simple. And it is all due to natural love that calamities, strifes, complaints, and hatred are prevented from arising.

~ Mo-Tzu

Football Hall of Fame?

What the hell? What's the big deal? I am so not a football fan. What a wasteful use of tax money. Now they have to have these sleep overs in order to fund this place. I know its for the kids. But it was lame at best. They have nothing really for girls. Although one of the activities was a question and answer deal about women athletes, but they had no women athlete statues, just cheerleaders. They had boy cheerleaders, which the girls asked "I didn't know there were boy cheerleaders?" In the beginning we watched a college intro movie they show everyone that comes to the hall. Next was dinner at the Jersey Subs located in the hall itself. After that the girls were free to check out the whole place before The Finding Nemo movie at 9:30pm. The movie was good of course, but all the kids have seen it several times already so they got restless. some looked like they were going to go to sleep any minute. But of course that wasn't the case, the second wind came promptly. In the meantime; four girls threw up, and one girl, who I think was in sixth grade, brought her school baby project to the sleep over! How nice to hear this unconsolable baby crying at all hours....12:00am and 1:00 and 1:30 untill some pissted off leader said "shut that thing up!" So off to the bathroom with this child and her baby to sleep there the rest of the night. AHH peace. Nope. Next was the snoring and the every 30 second coughing & gaging. Thank god I brought my little radio and headset. The floor was hard and I'm too old for it anyway. Please don't do this again!

everyone deserves music, sweet music.

Well, we've sat down and made some serious decisions about our finances this weekend. I needed to hand over the reins of balancing the books, or share them openly with my man. I haven't done this before. why? He never really asks. He just knows that there is a running tab on some things that don't need to be in our lives. One of them is the dam ATM card! What power that has. It has changed my whole way of thinking on spending. And it hasn't been a good thing. So saying good bye to the ATM card will help greatly.
So I feel freed up from the "control" that I've had for many years. I hope it makes a difference. I don't want to have to get a job if I can help it. Our family time which is minimal at best, is too precious.

"cause the plans you made
never came to pass

now you reconize when the time is hard

when you trying to say goodbye
to your ATM card.

everyone deserves music, sweet music."

Subversive Church Service

Curses on persons
who complain
for heaven's sake

Shame on
perfect smiles
that are obviously fake

I would much
rather have a nice
rat-poisoned cake

With the icing
addressed
"to the one we all hate"

 

I hadn't laugh so hard in a long time. Can you believe this? I believe "hate" is
a bit too harsh for my personality, but it rhymes with cake. How about distaste? Naw.

I've been reading poems on the Opium magazine site. Some have touched me deep. But some, push the limit.

I'll have to try my hand at poetry and see what I can come up with.

~"This above all; to thine own self be true." ~William Shakespeare

So I went to the store to get my weeklys and what who I run into with my daugther Amy, but Mr. Guzman his wife and Daughter. There is no such thing as just a ........hey I see you over there! good to see you! Bye! Nope..it's hey, what's new? who is this? and what have you been doing? This is my Daugther Dr. Luella Guzman. Luella is amazing! She took right to Amy and they went off onthere on conversation while I tried to make conversation with mr. and mrs. Guzman.........Fab. Fab was the first bretheren I met in this town. He was a regular customer at Martins' Super when I worked there. He and his wife would come through my line on most of their visits to the market. These Bretheren were first experience in the graciousness that is so Bretheren {despite any of their agendas}. Fab knew me before I met Thomas. And he knew me when I was pregnant with Kelsey and not married yet. He was very supportive and knew that I knew what was the right thing to do. Shortly after Kelsey was born, he insisted on visting us {already married}. Fab brought a lovely gift for kesley. It was a silver sippy cup engraved with her name and birth date. We still have it, and I think of him often. He came in the my life on the wind and blew out again. Years later, I noticed after joining our church that Mr. and Mrs. Guzmans picture was on the wall of the churches directory. Wow...small world. For some reason, at this point, I didn't know he was part of the church of the Bretheren. Ten years later I see him again at the market.

So there I stood , body language say " It was nice seeing you, chow." But it wasn't happening. I wasn't leaving. Amy and Luella were talking and I could hold a conversation if my life depended on it. Why couldn't I feel comfortable just being me. Why couldn't I just slip right into all that great hospitality and grace like a child would. The Guzmans looked old and tired. Mrs. Guzman had to keep moving or call it a day. So off they went. I was relieved. Trying to keep my face on, I could see that they could see right through my guilty disguise of wanting to rush off.

Luella.......she invivted us down to Friendswood TX. She knows that Amy wants to work with dolphins. She was telling us all about her land and dogs. I want to go there. I want to be wrapped up in her grace. I want my kids to be wrapped up in her grace. She is a pediatrician and is amazing with kids. Being in her presents was so comfortable. Strange that I had to experience such polar emotions. I love the name of her town Friendswood, the name of her street, Windsong lane, and her e-mail address...... drlalatx.

People like Luella and Fab are like little glimpes of angels. There is a reason for everything. There is a connection here that needs to ride itself out. I want to graciously except that ride.

Making Valentines

Our gathering began on a sorrow note. The Carley girl who was abducted and killed set an hour of conversation before any cards were made. It could happen to any of our kids. I hope my conversation with my girls about the ployes used by these sick people will stick. I don't let them out of my site. Never had. The idea that my 11 year old wants to ride her bike around the block scares me to death. where's my small town?

The question was asked next on weather or not Kelsey was going to school next fall. The answer isn't for sure until our family meeting this Sunday. But if it is yes, they both will be going back. This set me to cry for a loss I haven't quite figured out yet. Hormones! They suck!

In the meantime, the girls and I are on a rampage of making valentines cards and jewlery. I love it when my creative juices are flowing.

~"Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it." ~Mahatma Ghandi

Conversations

Do you ever experience the after conversation blues? Sometimes I run through the previous or past conversations in my head and realize things that I said that were either not on the mark or I didn't really listen before I spoke. Not that anyone got hurt. I just wish it could have been better. My ability to listen and to understand what people are trying to say to me are two different things sometimes. This is a good case of the " beat myself up stuff" that I have no control of after it's be said and done. But it is a practice that automactically comes to me. I guess it is also a good thing to be able to view myself and to improve. There is always room for that!

The sun is shinning and it's cold!!! 4 degrees when Tom came home.
I hear him open the mudroom door and Mackinaw jumps up to greet him and asked to be let out.....I fall back to sleep, He comes into the room and kisses me on the cheek and askes if I want coffee this morning. Five minute later I am up and hearing all that he had heard on the radio that night, what's on ebay and what's up with the car. I make cinnamon rolls and the girls get up . Kelsey has a fever, so much for the not being sick for two years eh? So a lay around day it will be for her.

Went out last night with Kim and had a great time. She thought I was nuts spending so much money on beads. But I was low on them. And it wasn't just beads it was stuff for the homeschooling group also. This Friday I am in charge of homemade Valentines cards for 14 children. We've had three weeks of art . One week was basic card making. Second was water colors. Third was abstract paintings. This week is homemade Valentine cards.......with hopes of pulling all three weeks together to be creative.

Well, off the cut out heart shapes......I suck at this so I bought a template {looser!}.

~"In art the hand can never execute anything higher than the heart can inspire." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sacred Journey

Finishing "The Secret Life of Bees" was all I did yesterday. What a wonderful day it was! I cried, I laughed and I grew. My family buzzed around me all day and watched me finish off this book. Heating pad plugged in to keep my feet warm and a warm fuzzy blanket on the couch. "Man mom, you've been reading all day!" "Yes, thank you for that my loved ones." I dogeared several pages I thought I would share some stirrings and reflections.

"And I was struck all at once how life was out there going through its regular courses, and I was supended, waiting, caught in a terrible crevice between living my life and not living it."

I'm sure many of us felt this way one time or another. I know that my life is full today. But there are days when I feel like I'm either messing up or trying to find something that is mine? Trying to find my true calling? This is sounding all too familar? I'm tired of starting something and not seeing things to the very end. Or at least it seems that way to me. Like I'm some kind of failure...I'm not. I know i'm not.
I started reading another book last night by Robert Fulghum called "It Was on Fire when I Layed Down on it." This book is full of essays. One of them starts out saying that"John Pierpoint died a failure." Then he proceeded to go through all the avenue he traveled..."a schoolteacher and failed, a laywer and failed. a bussiness man and failed. He wrote poetry and failed to get enough royalities from them. A minister and failed because of his position on prohibition. A politician and failed. When he died the words on the granite read: POET, PREACHER, PHILOSOPHER, PHILANTHROPIST. "His commitments to social justice, his desire to be a loving human being, his active engagement in the greater issues of his time {late 1800's} and his faith in the power of the human mind-these are not failures." A reformer! Even though he is well known to this day for writting "Jingle Bell" a song about the simplest of joys, It's about the simple joys! It's about the simple things you bring to life, and life brings to you and to others. It's not a failure but a chance to try again. Maybe make a difference {this might be key} Get out of the crevice and live LIFE! simply, peacefully together. { sorry, I had to say it}.

Next~

"I was sure they'd pictured May's last moments, too, but I did not see horror on their faces now, just a heartbroken acceptance."

What a tragedy.
When my mother finally killed herself with a gun to the heart and I recieved that phone call.......I was relieved. I didn't have to worry about her making yet another attempt on her miserable life. Unlike May who was able to use the wailing wall in order to cope, my mother used booze and several suicide attempts. She feared life like no other I know. She was angry,scared and hated. She was even part of the KKK! She was an eternal victim and lived her life that way to the end. So there was no horror in the faces of Dixies' children, just relief and a brokenhearted acceptance. Now she can be a peace.

~next

"There's a fullness of time for things, Lily. You have to know when to prod and when to be quiet, when to let things take their course."

I sure could have used an August in my life. Especially at Liliy's age. Lily in most ways was so much more mature than I was at her age. I guess that has to do with her love of reading. Not something I experience until later in life.

"You have to know when to prod and when to be quiet, when to let things take their course."

Something I am still trying to improve on. Or still learning about. Sometimes I fell I am running behind.... In knowing these ADULT things?

~next

"You have to find a mother inside yourself. We all do. Even if we already have a mother, we still have to find this part of ourselves inside." You don't have to put your hand on Mary's heart to get strength and consolation and rescue, and all the other things we need to get through life," "You can place it right here on your own heart. Your own heart."

The universal mother in me is looking for a passage to wholeness .

~I feel that the essence of all spiritual life is your emotion, your attitude toward others. Once you have pure and sincere motivation, all the rest follows. You can develop this right attitude toward others on the basis of kindness, love, and respect, and on the clear realization of the oneness of all human beings. This is important because others benefit by this motivation as much as anything we do. Then, with a pure heart, you can carry on any work—farming, mechanical engineering, working as a doctor, as a lawyer, as a teacher—and your profession becomes a real instrument to help the human community.


~ Dalai Lama

next book please.